This was written in April, 2017. Same gratitude today. Ever more to be thankful for. In the midst of sending so many loved ones Home to Him, God's blessings continue to overflow.
Some weeks ago, as I passed a yard on my walk, I decided: The next time I see someone here, I'm going to tell the person how much I enjoy the yard - a "made" carousel horse, wind chimes, sun-catchers - the yard has individuality.
It had been cut within days of her dog's death, because it's under utility lines, and the corner had felt denuded, without the arching trunk along the north side of her property. Now, I see, it has blue - dark, dark blue - bottles on each stump. (Only recently have I seen bottle trees - and of course I hope to add that to my yard.) This is only my favorite color in the whole wide world - someday, my Harley will be this color - but I digress.
-Laura
-0-Some weeks ago, as I passed a yard on my walk, I decided: The next time I see someone here, I'm going to tell the person how much I enjoy the yard - a "made" carousel horse, wind chimes, sun-catchers - the yard has individuality.
Today was the day!
Today I couldn't go for my walk as early as usual. Today I got to help ferry workers to where each needed to be for shift change, and I thought - I'm just going to drive to John Galt Coffee shop, since I'm already in the car.
No. I like my walk. I hear God on my walk. He shows me beauty. It exercises me and helps me meditate and gives me social interaction.
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It was much later than usual when I left home on foot. I took my first chance to go north and then saw I'd need to go west sooner than I'd thought - which takes me past one of the many yards I admire. Almost past - but look! - there's a lady working in the yard!
So I veer over and say "Excuse me, Good Morning - I'm sorry to bother you, but I vowed that if I was out and saw someone here, I'd stop and praise you for your efforts, so here I am - thank you for making such a pretty place!"
Somewhat taken aback, she steps into the driveway - in her bathrobe - she was hardly expecting anyone to see her from the alley - and responds with a thank you.
We visit. I ... get to make friends that way, the spur of the moment kind, who may tell me what's on their heart at that moment - and frequently listen to my story as well. I am so blessed. A cat - Zuza - comes and winds around my ankles. Her dog has died recently, and she tells me of the kitten which showed up several days later, running across the street at first view, skin and bones, didn't know how to drink water, didn't know how to drink milk. Like us, when Jack the Dog died, this lady wasn't going to add another animal to her house, but when they come find us ... what else can one do?
We visit. She takes me around to her side yard, and shows where she made changes, and has placed a beautiful, huge clock on the fence. "I tried to put it where it wouldn't attract attention, but it'll probably disappear before long. It's broken, I put it here to remind me that my time is here, now." (not a perfectly accurate quote, but the sense is the same as my desire - to live in the present, hopeful for the future, grateful for the past - whatever it may have cost - but to live now. Because that's all I have.)
We visit about abundance - how well we are provided for. she points to the north ... "see those? I had to throw out my only Tiki torch, and was telling my neighbor about it, and the neighbor gave me three torches. Abundance."
"Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure-- pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."
Luke 6:38
We visit. She takes me to her back yard, and shows me where her dog is buried. She retrieves a small mirrored ball - it fit in the palm of her hand from a table by the house, and told me she had been ... wishing she had another, perhaps larger, similar orb, because of the beautiful reflections it makes. A few days later, at the ARC store ... there it was. I turned around to face the corner of the yard, and there it was, jumping into my sight - a mirrored ball the size of a basketball. And to its left was the stump of a mulberry, springing into life, new growth from recently pruned shrub.
It had been cut within days of her dog's death, because it's under utility lines, and the corner had felt denuded, without the arching trunk along the north side of her property. Now, I see, it has blue - dark, dark blue - bottles on each stump. (Only recently have I seen bottle trees - and of course I hope to add that to my yard.) This is only my favorite color in the whole wide world - someday, my Harley will be this color - but I digress.
She has allowed (how could she prevent me? ... I babble so) me to tell my story as well, as items relate to her experience - and the commonalities are amazing.
She asked "Did Tom have a ponytail, a braid? and would I have seen him at St. Peter Church?"
Yes.
"I remember him, I remember you. I had befriended a ... wanderer, who had repaid my hospitality by relieving my home of its new DVD player. He had told me he was on his way to Mass, so I sought the nearest Catholic church, hoping to speak with the pastor or someone in charge, to see if they knew this man.
"Tom was so kind - everyone at the church was kind - but Tom was so kind and helpful."
"I remember Tom. He was so kind."
Even at this moment, that phrase brings tears to my eyes.
-0-
My life is amazing. I never dreamed I would ever get to have such joy again, or live in such luxury. It is okay if I take on odd jobs, and try to sort out the mess of condensing 3000 square feet of "stuff" into 1200 sq. ft., plus rented storage. I am immensely grateful for this - and it is hard to accept in its abundance, somehow.
Two years ago, I thought I would die. I did not know how I could possibly survive. (I belabored that idea in Empathy ) It was so hard. So hard. "The valley of the shadow of death" - that phrase has taken on a whole new, personal meaning. Walking through that valley, when I thought i was in the abyss, only to have to avoid even deeper pits - or to have to crawl back out after falling in - I was only able to survive that walk by God's presence, His succor, His grace, His mercy.
During that time, I stormed Heaven with my prayers. (like that's a lot different than usual. I keep a pretty steady dialogue with ... the Trinity, one or another.) One of my prayers, from Healing , pleaded to God that I believed I was "made to be a partner." And told Him that, while I knew His time would be perfect, I was really struggling here!"
And yes, as always, my prayer began and ended with "Your will be done, Lord, not mine."
Yeah. There was thunder and lightning. Right then. Real close.
There was also a change. It was like a storm in the desert, where the lowering clouds begin to lift a bit, letting in just ... that ... little bit of light to give hope again. I'm not sure what that change was - but perhaps that I had (foolishly) set a deadline. "I have to get to Christmas this year, then I can re-evaluate, but I have to get to Christmas. It's in Your hands, Lord."
And so ... God sent someone to me. How else can it be explained? This person walked into my life repeating the words - the phrases - of my prayers. Nobody knows the phrases I use. Nobody. When we first dated, I blurted - "I'm scared, I'm scared you could be really important to me, but I know it's too soon to even think of a future" - and the response was "God's timing is always perfect."
I had told God I would not look for anyone. I told Him He had to send someone.
He sent a person Tom and I had known, someone whose kindness we had observed over more than 5 years. He sent me a person who helps me take markers to the cemetery, who has never been impatient with my Tom stories. Someone who spoke my prayers, in my phrase, and ... always gave thanks to God before dinner, thanking God for bringing us together.
First I had the love of my life with Tom, and to my utter astonishment, with no diminishment of my love for Tom, - my newfound life, and love, is even fuller, broader, deeper - because although I have always cherished my ... "peeps" ... losing Tom has ... changed me forever.
I would like to think that I am improving all the time at the skill of living now. That's all I have. That's all you have.
Live now.
Two years ago, I thought I would die. I did not know how I could possibly survive. (I belabored that idea in Empathy ) It was so hard. So hard. "The valley of the shadow of death" - that phrase has taken on a whole new, personal meaning. Walking through that valley, when I thought i was in the abyss, only to have to avoid even deeper pits - or to have to crawl back out after falling in - I was only able to survive that walk by God's presence, His succor, His grace, His mercy.
During that time, I stormed Heaven with my prayers. (like that's a lot different than usual. I keep a pretty steady dialogue with ... the Trinity, one or another.) One of my prayers, from Healing , pleaded to God that I believed I was "made to be a partner." And told Him that, while I knew His time would be perfect, I was really struggling here!"
And yes, as always, my prayer began and ended with "Your will be done, Lord, not mine."
Yeah. There was thunder and lightning. Right then. Real close.
There was also a change. It was like a storm in the desert, where the lowering clouds begin to lift a bit, letting in just ... that ... little bit of light to give hope again. I'm not sure what that change was - but perhaps that I had (foolishly) set a deadline. "I have to get to Christmas this year, then I can re-evaluate, but I have to get to Christmas. It's in Your hands, Lord."And so ... God sent someone to me. How else can it be explained? This person walked into my life repeating the words - the phrases - of my prayers. Nobody knows the phrases I use. Nobody. When we first dated, I blurted - "I'm scared, I'm scared you could be really important to me, but I know it's too soon to even think of a future" - and the response was "God's timing is always perfect."
I had told God I would not look for anyone. I told Him He had to send someone.
He sent a person Tom and I had known, someone whose kindness we had observed over more than 5 years. He sent me a person who helps me take markers to the cemetery, who has never been impatient with my Tom stories. Someone who spoke my prayers, in my phrase, and ... always gave thanks to God before dinner, thanking God for bringing us together.
First I had the love of my life with Tom, and to my utter astonishment, with no diminishment of my love for Tom, - my newfound life, and love, is even fuller, broader, deeper - because although I have always cherished my ... "peeps" ... losing Tom has ... changed me forever.
I would like to think that I am improving all the time at the skill of living now. That's all I have. That's all you have.
Live now.
"I remember you both."
It was of great interest to me, the relief I felt - the validation that my memory of us was correct. Gosh golly, this ... disentanglement ... of myself from Tom has been, again, so so hard. Somehow it helps to have acknowledgment, validation of what was, and is no more. It helped so much to hear "he was so kind."
-0-
I'm preparing for a vacation - to Hawaii, no less! I would never have dreamed to have such an opportunity.
-0-
And that story is for another time. Hawaii is, after all, paradise - and deserves its own story.
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And that story is for another time. Hawaii is, after all, paradise - and deserves its own story.
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