(Note: i began writing this in April. Gracias a Dios - Thanks be to God - He has answered prayers. There is still darkness . . . but there is also light around the edges, trying to break through.)
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Many years ago, Tom and I were out in the back yard, having a chiminea fire. I adjusted my brassiere - and felt a lump. Of course, it was a Saturday afternoon, and why would I call anyone on the weekend, and surely it was nothing, and . . . my mind leapt beyond my control.
Monday morning I called and got an appointment - they got me in immediately, because they could tell I was scared.
It was nothing.
But it taught me something. It taught me how quickly a life can change. It taught me humility. It taught me compassion.
-0-
God's been like that with me.
He has shown me how things I thought were horrid can be mitigated by His Grace. By His love.
And that's a really good thing, because I've really been in darkness lately.
I've asked for Him to help me to accept His grace and help in this dark time. Because, while He offers freely His love, His blessings - we have to accept His offer.
-0-
I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately.
If this is too frightening for you, stop reading now.
-0-
It's not that I want to die. I just haven't wanted to live.
This has been so painful. I myself have wondered about people who can only say "it hurts" - give me a break. For one thing it's emotional damage, not physical. To have "lost" Tom - hurts.
I don't know how it can hurt so physically. I do know I have bruises - arms, legs, hip, back - and I can't imagine where they came from. As bad as some are - how could I not remember what happened to cause the bruise?
-0-
I've lost people to suicide. I've almost lost people to suicide. It is the worst thing one can do to other people. The worst. Pardon the vulgarity, but it is the ultimate "F*** YOU."
-0-
Why did I have to bring up this subject? I have begun this conversation with a desire to bring to your attention the need for people to listen. Listen. And listen.
In the last several weeks, I have been made aware of several suicide prevention support groups, marches, walks, articles.
One thing that stood out to me was a comment that people don't talk about suicide for fear we'll contribute to a person following through on the act. This article claimed that if a person wants to talk about suicide - TALK ABOUT IT!
That describes the reaction I get with the grieving process as well.
People's reactions are so interesting and varied. Some can actually stand it when I bring up the suicide topic. Mostly the response - even from beloved people - is "oh, no, don't even talk about that!"
How can I realize the truth if I'm not allowed to talk about it?
-0-
Our friend Mikey told us within weeks of meeting him that he was going to develop Mesathelioma (asbestos-related lung cancer) and he wouldn't wait for the disease to take him; he would kill himself first.
The fulcrum on which his life hung was 9/11. He lost hope. He simply . . . lost hope.
Within a year, he had lung cancer. It wasn't mesathelioma, nonetheless he stopped bathing, stopped eating, stopped living. Then with the spring of 2003, he seemed to regain vitality. Began bathing, talked about how much banana bread showed up at the house when people found out he was sick. He and I talked specifically about the - grace - of knowing one's time is more evidently finite. Tom and I went on a trip to Boise, confident that we would return to a re-invigorated Mikey.
-0-
A couple hours after we left Mom's house in Boise to return to Greeley Monday April 28, 2003 I pulled out a new prayer book I had picked up at St. Mark's in Boise. It was called "Praying with a friend who is dying" and I read through it with Tom, discussing that perhaps there were portions that could be helpful to our friend Mikey.
We drove north through the mountains, across central Idaho, stayed in Challis, continued leisurely home, arriving in Greeley on Thursday night. Unlike my usual habit, I didn't check phone messages at home the entire time. (Pre cell phone days for us)
Friday morning, the first message on the recorder was from Karen. Mikey had killed himself. Monday morning. About the time we were . . . "Praying with a friend who is dying."
Mikey thought the cops would "clean up" after his . . . exit. They don't. Friends did. We weren't here at the time, so we didn't have to help with that part of it.
---
Mikey's Dad did the suicide thing. Mikey's brother did the suicide thing.
What could we have done? After our friend's self-murder another friend, an advisor Tom and I knew and loved, who only desired the best for us, insisted we should have ... (insert suggestions) ... and Mikey would still be alive.
Perhaps we should have. But we didn't. And we certainly can't go back and change our actions - or inactions - now.
-0-
During one of our visits to Boise - 2004? - my sister came to the house fairly early one morning and suggested I get dressed and come with her. She drove me to St Luke's, where a couple more family members were. My relative had - perhaps - tried to end his life. I never found out how "intentional" the thinking was, but certainly the actions landed him in the hospital, then in a mental health hold.
-0-
We didn't get to grow up together. He has felt responsible for my absence from his family. I have felt responsible for . . . too much.
Two times in my life I have been so completely overwhelmed with emotion regarding this guy. The first: When I held his baby. I had no idea how it would feel to hold this man's baby. Indescribable.
The second: Standing - kneeling - by his hospital bed. Gazing at his comatose body. Wondering if I'd ever get to tell him again how much I love him.
Before we left Boise, he was released to VA care. Tom and I took a Bible to him. We visited him as many times as we could before we left.
He is still alive. To all appearances, anyway. For all my preaching about talking about things, have I talked about the suicide attempt with him? No. Partly because it's "too hard" to approach the subject; partly because - first, do no harm, and any way I can think to approach the subject is harmful. And I'm scared. Because the fact is it's really scary to talk about suicide.
-0-
I love this poem:
-0-
To point out the obvious: suicide is wrong. It is murder. I believe no one - no one - has the right to take a life, even his or her own. It is not up to us to decide our "fate." Or the time. I understand suicide is wrong - but that alone is not what stops me from suicide.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:
-0-
The fact that suicide is wrong, a sin, self-murder . . . is not the deciding factor for me. Most importantly, as I have groped in the dark, I have thought about how I want to serve God. My friends have blessed me by sharing their children with me. Three beautiful children in one family, 5 in another, 7 in one, - many precious eyes watching each of us adults, choosing behaviors to emulate; behaviors to discard.
How could I do something that might lead a child to follow my actions?
No. I know suicide is not an option.
-0-
Thanks for letting me talk through it with you. You who have listened to me through all this - thank you. You who have listened to me, validated my feelings, and asked what I thought I could do to change the course of my thinking - may you be blessed for your patience, courage and fortitude. And thank you.
-0-
I gave God an ultimatum a couple months ago. Yes, I did. Well, with the full knowledge that my having an ultimatum really means nothing to Him - but He'll appreciate the fervor of my - objections - in this case. And - my prayer always ends with asking for the grace to do His will - not mine.
I gave Him until Christmas. I promised to stay "here" until then - but He'd better show me some changes before then. Wow. The audacity.
I told Him how He could "fix" things for me. Yep. I gave Him specific instructions.
He answers prayers. His timing is amazing. His sense of humor is marvelous. And His answer to prayer is not without its own pain.
-0-
In the approximately three months it's taken to write this, I have come to realize even more fullness to "empathy" than I began with. Don't make assumptions. And listen. If the person will talk - about grief or joy or suicide or a new baby - listen. You may know a surface explanation of the person's actions - the full explanation may be more than you could have imagined. Or bear.
The – pain – continues, bringing to mind repeatedly: “And you yourself a sword shall pierce” Lk. 2:35a. As I inventory retail goods and sort our combined collections, preparing for an auction of – what feels like my life for the last 30 years – God has helped me to see that there is hope. And the hope diminishes the pain. I am grateful.
-0-
Here are some websites to help:
http://www.soslsd.org/resource/the-ripple-effect/#.VZwetijnbMI
http://www.soslsd.org/resource/working-through-your-grief/#.VZwjsSjnbMI
http://consumer.healthday.com/mental-health-information-25/behavior-health-news-56/news-coverage-of-teen-suicides-may-have-ripple-effect-687414.html
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/weekend-australian-magazine/how-suicide-can-spread-like-a-deadly-virus-to-family-and-friends/story-e6frg8h6-1226857988177
AND - some unexpected, but really good news:
http://www.newsweek.com/did-kurt-cobains-death-lower-suicide-rate-1994-244332
-0-
My neighbor Jenny recently lost a relative to suicide. Please pray for those in such pain. (There's still times of holding on by the fingernails - for the next minute - and the next . . .) Please pray for survivors of suicide. Please pray for Joan and Kelly, for their comfort and peace as they face medical challenges similar to the road Tom and I traveled for five years. Please pray for Monica as she has begun her third round of chemo. Please pray for me to follow God's will, and be open to His love and guidance. And - for my strength as I continue to sort and prepare for the store liquidation auction. Phew. Words.
-0-
Psalm 63: 1-8
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
-0-
"I can see clearly now, the rain is gone -
it's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day . . ."
I don't know about seeing clearly, but - there is a light shining . . .
-laura
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Many years ago, Tom and I were out in the back yard, having a chiminea fire. I adjusted my brassiere - and felt a lump. Of course, it was a Saturday afternoon, and why would I call anyone on the weekend, and surely it was nothing, and . . . my mind leapt beyond my control.
Monday morning I called and got an appointment - they got me in immediately, because they could tell I was scared.
It was nothing.
But it taught me something. It taught me how quickly a life can change. It taught me humility. It taught me compassion.
-0-
God's been like that with me.
He has shown me how things I thought were horrid can be mitigated by His Grace. By His love.
And that's a really good thing, because I've really been in darkness lately.
I've asked for Him to help me to accept His grace and help in this dark time. Because, while He offers freely His love, His blessings - we have to accept His offer.
-0-
I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately.
If this is too frightening for you, stop reading now.
-0-
It's not that I want to die. I just haven't wanted to live.
This has been so painful. I myself have wondered about people who can only say "it hurts" - give me a break. For one thing it's emotional damage, not physical. To have "lost" Tom - hurts.
I don't know how it can hurt so physically. I do know I have bruises - arms, legs, hip, back - and I can't imagine where they came from. As bad as some are - how could I not remember what happened to cause the bruise?
-0-
I've lost people to suicide. I've almost lost people to suicide. It is the worst thing one can do to other people. The worst. Pardon the vulgarity, but it is the ultimate "F*** YOU."
-0-
Why did I have to bring up this subject? I have begun this conversation with a desire to bring to your attention the need for people to listen. Listen. And listen.
In the last several weeks, I have been made aware of several suicide prevention support groups, marches, walks, articles.
One thing that stood out to me was a comment that people don't talk about suicide for fear we'll contribute to a person following through on the act. This article claimed that if a person wants to talk about suicide - TALK ABOUT IT!
That describes the reaction I get with the grieving process as well.
People's reactions are so interesting and varied. Some can actually stand it when I bring up the suicide topic. Mostly the response - even from beloved people - is "oh, no, don't even talk about that!"
How can I realize the truth if I'm not allowed to talk about it?
-0-
Our friend Mikey told us within weeks of meeting him that he was going to develop Mesathelioma (asbestos-related lung cancer) and he wouldn't wait for the disease to take him; he would kill himself first.
The fulcrum on which his life hung was 9/11. He lost hope. He simply . . . lost hope.
Within a year, he had lung cancer. It wasn't mesathelioma, nonetheless he stopped bathing, stopped eating, stopped living. Then with the spring of 2003, he seemed to regain vitality. Began bathing, talked about how much banana bread showed up at the house when people found out he was sick. He and I talked specifically about the - grace - of knowing one's time is more evidently finite. Tom and I went on a trip to Boise, confident that we would return to a re-invigorated Mikey.
-0-
A couple hours after we left Mom's house in Boise to return to Greeley Monday April 28, 2003 I pulled out a new prayer book I had picked up at St. Mark's in Boise. It was called "Praying with a friend who is dying" and I read through it with Tom, discussing that perhaps there were portions that could be helpful to our friend Mikey.
We drove north through the mountains, across central Idaho, stayed in Challis, continued leisurely home, arriving in Greeley on Thursday night. Unlike my usual habit, I didn't check phone messages at home the entire time. (Pre cell phone days for us)
Friday morning, the first message on the recorder was from Karen. Mikey had killed himself. Monday morning. About the time we were . . . "Praying with a friend who is dying."
Mikey thought the cops would "clean up" after his . . . exit. They don't. Friends did. We weren't here at the time, so we didn't have to help with that part of it.
---
Mikey's Dad did the suicide thing. Mikey's brother did the suicide thing.
“Back in 1994, Kurt Cobain from Nirvana committed suicide. About half the school went on suicide (wach) mode,” he said. “It made [suicide] permissible.” from http://foothilldragonpress.org/the-ripple-effect-how-lives-are-impacted-by-suicide (A suggested website follows that indicates - actually, suicides REDUCED in the year after Cobain. I don't mind being wrong in that case!)The devastation that suicide causes is unbelievable. I read years ago how much more likely children, younger siblings, other family members or friends are to try suicide if someone they love has done so. It sets up more of a ripple effect than that stone skipping across the water. And it causes survivors to question themselves the rest of their lives - how could I have changed this?
What could we have done? After our friend's self-murder another friend, an advisor Tom and I knew and loved, who only desired the best for us, insisted we should have ... (insert suggestions) ... and Mikey would still be alive.
Perhaps we should have. But we didn't. And we certainly can't go back and change our actions - or inactions - now.
-0-
During one of our visits to Boise - 2004? - my sister came to the house fairly early one morning and suggested I get dressed and come with her. She drove me to St Luke's, where a couple more family members were. My relative had - perhaps - tried to end his life. I never found out how "intentional" the thinking was, but certainly the actions landed him in the hospital, then in a mental health hold.
-0-
We didn't get to grow up together. He has felt responsible for my absence from his family. I have felt responsible for . . . too much.
Two times in my life I have been so completely overwhelmed with emotion regarding this guy. The first: When I held his baby. I had no idea how it would feel to hold this man's baby. Indescribable.
The second: Standing - kneeling - by his hospital bed. Gazing at his comatose body. Wondering if I'd ever get to tell him again how much I love him.
Before we left Boise, he was released to VA care. Tom and I took a Bible to him. We visited him as many times as we could before we left.
He is still alive. To all appearances, anyway. For all my preaching about talking about things, have I talked about the suicide attempt with him? No. Partly because it's "too hard" to approach the subject; partly because - first, do no harm, and any way I can think to approach the subject is harmful. And I'm scared. Because the fact is it's really scary to talk about suicide.
-0-
I love this poem:
Resumé
by Dorothy Parker
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-0-
To point out the obvious: suicide is wrong. It is murder. I believe no one - no one - has the right to take a life, even his or her own. It is not up to us to decide our "fate." Or the time. I understand suicide is wrong - but that alone is not what stops me from suicide.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:
2280 Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of.Much like the poem, this gives me great hope. "Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide." Our Lord is so merciful, so loving - it truly is up to Him to judge. Not me. It is up to me to love and continue to love the person who commits suicide.
2281 Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.
2282 If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law.
Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.
2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.
-0-
The fact that suicide is wrong, a sin, self-murder . . . is not the deciding factor for me. Most importantly, as I have groped in the dark, I have thought about how I want to serve God. My friends have blessed me by sharing their children with me. Three beautiful children in one family, 5 in another, 7 in one, - many precious eyes watching each of us adults, choosing behaviors to emulate; behaviors to discard.
How could I do something that might lead a child to follow my actions?
Luke 17:2"It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble."-0-
No. I know suicide is not an option.
-0-
Thanks for letting me talk through it with you. You who have listened to me through all this - thank you. You who have listened to me, validated my feelings, and asked what I thought I could do to change the course of my thinking - may you be blessed for your patience, courage and fortitude. And thank you.
-0-
I gave God an ultimatum a couple months ago. Yes, I did. Well, with the full knowledge that my having an ultimatum really means nothing to Him - but He'll appreciate the fervor of my - objections - in this case. And - my prayer always ends with asking for the grace to do His will - not mine.
I gave Him until Christmas. I promised to stay "here" until then - but He'd better show me some changes before then. Wow. The audacity.
I told Him how He could "fix" things for me. Yep. I gave Him specific instructions.
He answers prayers. His timing is amazing. His sense of humor is marvelous. And His answer to prayer is not without its own pain.
-0-
In the approximately three months it's taken to write this, I have come to realize even more fullness to "empathy" than I began with. Don't make assumptions. And listen. If the person will talk - about grief or joy or suicide or a new baby - listen. You may know a surface explanation of the person's actions - the full explanation may be more than you could have imagined. Or bear.
The – pain – continues, bringing to mind repeatedly: “And you yourself a sword shall pierce” Lk. 2:35a. As I inventory retail goods and sort our combined collections, preparing for an auction of – what feels like my life for the last 30 years – God has helped me to see that there is hope. And the hope diminishes the pain. I am grateful.
-0-
Here are some websites to help:
http://www.soslsd.org/resource/the-ripple-effect/#.VZwetijnbMI
http://www.soslsd.org/resource/working-through-your-grief/#.VZwjsSjnbMI
http://consumer.healthday.com/mental-health-information-25/behavior-health-news-56/news-coverage-of-teen-suicides-may-have-ripple-effect-687414.html
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/weekend-australian-magazine/how-suicide-can-spread-like-a-deadly-virus-to-family-and-friends/story-e6frg8h6-1226857988177
AND - some unexpected, but really good news:
http://www.newsweek.com/did-kurt-cobains-death-lower-suicide-rate-1994-244332
-0-
My neighbor Jenny recently lost a relative to suicide. Please pray for those in such pain. (There's still times of holding on by the fingernails - for the next minute - and the next . . .) Please pray for survivors of suicide. Please pray for Joan and Kelly, for their comfort and peace as they face medical challenges similar to the road Tom and I traveled for five years. Please pray for Monica as she has begun her third round of chemo. Please pray for me to follow God's will, and be open to His love and guidance. And - for my strength as I continue to sort and prepare for the store liquidation auction. Phew. Words.
-0-
Psalm 63: 1-8
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
-0-
"I can see clearly now, the rain is gone -
it's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day . . ."
I don't know about seeing clearly, but - there is a light shining . . .
-laura
Your courage in puttimg your feeling, thoughts, and contemplations to words...and then sharing them is quite courageous. I suspect that it may be cathartic for you and you may have saved a life or two. ...thank you and bless you.
ReplyDeleteYes. It does help. And I sure hope it can help others. My grief counselor told me that it is my job to educate others - even if I'm only learning about it myself. Thank you Eugene.
DeleteThank you for this...i have struggled thru alot with my severe arthritis pain. ..colon cancer. ..there were, alot of death in my family. ..there were days i thought about giving up...but i pushed on because of people like you with encouraging words, guidance...and spiritual lifting. ..this really means alot ..
ReplyDeleteOh Laura. You make my soul feel good. You are traveling the straight and narrow road which is by far the best but the most difficult also. You recognize Gods work in your life and you are honest with Him. I agree it is your job to teach others. You have been gifted. But also to teach others how to listen to and recognize Gods voice and actions in your life is even a greater gift. You go girl and hang on!
ReplyDelete