Healing

Dec. 29, 2015

It’s been one year. Plus some days.

Life will never be the same.

It has been changed.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

Happy New Year!

11/30/15 9:45 a.m.

Wow.

This journey has almost completed one year.

I don’t expect the one-year … anniversary … to be the end of my grief.  I know better than that.  But it does … mark a milestone.

For a long time I didn’t think I could survive.

I know better now.

But … this letting go, “Let it Be” – dear God, this is so hard.

My life is better than I could ever have imagined.  By the grace of God, by the support of my “peeps” – there is not pressure to hurry to make choices, to decide what I am doing next for work, to “move along.”

And I have examined my life carefully in the last eleven months.

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Recently a ... friend ... informed me that I am not grieving enough, that I should be wearing black, that I need to spend more time studying God and what His will is for me.

I've wondered where the conversation could have gone had I been asked about my life, rather than told what I am doing wrong.

What if my friend learned of the hours of contemplation, of listening to reflections on the daily readings, of the music I seek?

What if my friend heard what I have learned in the last eleven months?

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I think - I hope - my friend would have seen how I've grown.  I'm in the same shell, but I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I couldn't be.  I was walking at the beginning of the valley of the shadow of death - the darkest valley.

I miss Tom so very much.  The pain.  That part I still can't get - how is an emotional loss physically painful?  Nonetheless, it hurts.  Physically.

Now I know that God will not forsake me.  Won't abandon me.  I should have realized this before, but I didn't.

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In late April, early May, I told God:  "Okay.  Deal.  I know I have to make it to Christmas this year.  But You know what?  I don't have to go past that.  I can change things.  I know I say I won't, I know it's wrong, but I can't go on with this pain.  Can't do it."

I told Him:  "I know you will give me the strength I need to do what you want me to do - but I can't do this.  I'm not made to be alone.  Yes, we're all alone - but I am made to be a partner.  I love your Son - I love You, Jesus - with all my heart.  But I am not made to be alone.  

"I can't stand up much more in this dark valley.  Lord, I know you love me, you will provide - HELP ME!  Oh, Lord, please help me!

"By the way, Lord - although I think I am made to have a mate, it's up to You.  And I know it may be years before You send someone, but I want you to know You have to send him.  I'm not going to bars, I'm not looking on the internet - I'm not dating.  I don't have time or patience for that.

"If you want me to be mated, it has to be someone who believes in You, who follows You first."

And, as always, my prayer ended:  "Your will be done, Lord.  Help me seek Your will, help me recognize Your will, help me follow Your will."

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Perhaps it was coincidental, the lightning strikes and thunder at the same time, above my house?  No.  I don’t think so either.

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Within days, I began gaining relief.  Part of the problem of Tom's death was - he was so gone.  How could we have been so close - and now be so separated?

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My counselor asked if there was a particular flower, an animal, anything which Tom and I viewed as a common interest, a symbol of the other person.

Nothing I could think of.

Until, some days later, I went out to drive to our friends' restaurant.  Looked up, and saw 12 pelicans flying overhead.  

In August, 2014, driving on a Denver "date" Tom and I were accompanied by 12 pelicans.  From Peckham to Gilcrest, approximately.

Pelicans were always special to me and Tom - so special that each of us have had pelican tattoos done.

Do I think it was a manifestation of Tom?  No, I don't.  I think it was a manifestation of God's love, a sign of grace.

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Yes.  There is more to the story of my prayer - and its answer - but that's for another time.

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Today, the last day of November, it occurs to me again how significant the timing of Tom’s return Home was.

Our last week was the last week of darkness, the dark before the solstice.  Tom went Home when the light was returning, when our lives were saved by Jesus’ birth into the world.

I haven’t doubted God during this time.  He has certainly been barraged with my questions, my anger, my sorrow – but never doubt.

I so look forward to, long for, the return of light after the solstice.  I anticipate what my future holds with … joy. 

Because …

“God’s eye is on the sparrow – and I know He watches me.”