Gratitude

This was written in April, 2017. Same gratitude today. Ever more to be thankful for.  In the midst of sending so many loved ones Home to Him, God's blessings continue to overflow. 

-Laura

-0-
Some weeks ago, as I passed a yard on my walk, I decided:  The next time I see someone here, I'm going to tell the person how much I enjoy the yard - a "made" carousel horse, wind chimes, sun-catchers - the yard has individuality.

Today was the day! 

Today I couldn't go for my walk as early as usual.  Today I got to help ferry workers to where each needed to be for shift change, and I thought - I'm just going to drive to John Galt Coffee shop, since I'm already in the car.

No.  I like my walk.  I hear God on my walk.  He shows me beauty.  It exercises me and helps me meditate and gives me social interaction.

-0-

It was much later than usual when I left home on foot.  I took my first chance to go north and then saw I'd need to go west sooner than I'd thought - which takes me past one of the many yards I admire.  Almost past - but look! - there's a lady working in the yard!

So I veer over and say "Excuse me, Good Morning - I'm sorry to bother you, but I vowed that if I was out and saw someone here, I'd stop and praise you for your efforts, so here I am - thank you for making such a pretty place!"

Somewhat taken aback, she steps into the driveway - in her bathrobe - she was hardly expecting anyone to see her from the alley - and responds with a thank you.

We visit.  I ... get to make friends that way, the spur of the moment kind, who may tell me what's on their heart at that moment - and frequently listen to my story as well.  I am so blessed. A cat - Zuza - comes and winds around my ankles.  Her dog has died recently, and she tells me of the kitten which showed up several days later, running across the street at first view, skin and bones, didn't know how to drink water, didn't know how to drink milk.  Like us, when Jack the Dog died, this lady wasn't going to add another animal to her house, but when they come find us ... what else can one do?

We visit.  She takes me around to her side yard, and shows where she made changes, and has placed a beautiful, huge clock on the fence.  "I tried to put it where it wouldn't attract attention, but it'll probably disappear before long.  It's broken, I put it here to remind me that my time is here, now."  (not a perfectly accurate quote, but the sense is the same as my desire - to live in the present, hopeful for the future, grateful for the past - whatever it may have cost - but to live now.  Because that's all I have.)

We visit about abundance - how well we are provided for.  she points to the north ... "see those?  I had to throw out my only Tiki torch, and was telling my neighbor about it, and the neighbor gave me three torches.  Abundance."

"Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure-- pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return." 

Luke 6:38 

We visit.  She takes me to her back yard, and shows me where her dog is buried.  She retrieves a small mirrored ball  - it fit in the palm of her hand from a table by the house, and told me she had been ... wishing she had another, perhaps larger, similar orb, because of the beautiful reflections it makes.  A few days later, at the ARC store ... there it was.  I turned around to face the corner of the yard, and there it was, jumping into my sight - a mirrored ball the size of a basketball.  And to its left was the stump of a mulberry, springing into life, new growth from recently pruned shrub.  

It had been cut within days of her dog's death, because it's under utility lines, and the corner had felt denuded, without the arching trunk along the north side of her property.  Now, I see, it has blue - dark, dark blue - bottles on each stump.  (Only recently have I seen bottle trees - and of course I hope to add that to my yard.)  This is only my favorite color in the whole wide world - someday, my Harley will be this color - but I digress.

She has allowed (how could she prevent me? ... I babble so) me to tell my story as well, as items relate to her experience - and the commonalities are amazing.  

She asked "Did Tom have a ponytail, a braid? and would I have seen him at St. Peter Church?"

Yes.

"I remember him, I remember you.  I had befriended a ... wanderer, who had repaid my hospitality by relieving my home of its new DVD player.  He had told me he was on his way to Mass, so I sought the nearest Catholic church, hoping to speak with the pastor or someone in charge, to see if they knew this man. 

"Tom was so kind - everyone at the church was kind - but Tom was so kind and helpful."

"I remember Tom.  He was so kind." 

Even at this moment, that phrase brings tears to my eyes.

-0-

My life is amazing.  I never dreamed I would ever get to have such joy again, or live in such luxury.  It is okay if I take on odd jobs, and try to sort out the mess of condensing 3000 square feet of "stuff" into 1200 sq. ft., plus rented storage.  I am immensely grateful for this - and it is hard to accept in its abundance, somehow.
Two years ago, I thought I would die.  I did not know how I could possibly survive. (I belabored that idea in Empathy )  It was so hard.  So hard.  "The valley of the shadow of death" - that phrase has taken on a whole new, personal meaning.  Walking through that valley, when I thought i was in the abyss, only to have to avoid even deeper pits - or to have to crawl back out after falling in - I was only able to survive that walk by God's presence, His succor, His grace, His mercy.
During that time, I stormed Heaven with my prayers.  (like that's a lot different than usual.  I keep a pretty steady dialogue with ... the Trinity, one or another.)  One of my prayers, from Healing , pleaded to God that I believed I was "made to be a partner."  And told Him that, while I knew His time would be perfect, I was really struggling here!"  
And yes, as always, my prayer began and ended with "Your will be done, Lord, not mine."
Yeah.  There was thunder and lightning.  Right then.  Real close.
There was also a change.  It was like a storm in the desert, where the lowering clouds begin to lift a bit, letting in just ... that ... little bit of light to give hope again.  I'm not sure what that change was - but perhaps that I had (foolishly) set a deadline.  "I have to get to Christmas this year, then I can re-evaluate, but I have to get to Christmas.  It's in Your hands, Lord."
And so ... God sent someone to me.  How else can it be explained?  This person walked into my life repeating the words - the phrases - of my prayers.  Nobody knows the phrases I use.  Nobody.  When we first dated, I blurted - "I'm scared, I'm scared you could be really important to me, but I know it's too soon to even think of a future" - and the response was "God's timing is always perfect." 
I had told God I would not look for anyone.  I told Him He had to send someone.
He sent a person Tom and I had known, someone whose kindness we had observed over more than 5 years.  He sent me a person who helps me take markers to the cemetery, who has never been impatient with my Tom stories.  Someone who spoke my prayers, in my phrase, and ... always gave thanks to God before dinner, thanking God for bringing us together.
First I had the love of my life with Tom, and to my utter astonishment, with no diminishment of my love for Tom,  - my newfound life, and love, is even fuller, broader, deeper - because although I have always cherished my ... "peeps" ... losing Tom  has ... changed me forever.
I would like to think that I am improving all the time at the skill of living now.  That's all I have.  That's all you have.
Live now.

"I remember you both." 

It was of great interest to me, the relief I felt - the validation that my memory of us was correct.  Gosh golly, this ... disentanglement ... of myself from Tom has been, again, so so hard.  Somehow it helps to have acknowledgment, validation of what was, and is no more.  It helped so much to hear "he was so kind."

-0-

I'm preparing for a vacation - to Hawaii, no less!  I would never have dreamed to have such an opportunity.  
-0-
And that story is for another time.  Hawaii is, after all, paradise - and deserves its own story.

Healing

Dec. 29, 2015

It’s been one year. Plus some days.

Life will never be the same.

It has been changed.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

Happy New Year!

11/30/15 9:45 a.m.

Wow.

This journey has almost completed one year.

I don’t expect the one-year … anniversary … to be the end of my grief.  I know better than that.  But it does … mark a milestone.

For a long time I didn’t think I could survive.

I know better now.

But … this letting go, “Let it Be” – dear God, this is so hard.

My life is better than I could ever have imagined.  By the grace of God, by the support of my “peeps” – there is not pressure to hurry to make choices, to decide what I am doing next for work, to “move along.”

And I have examined my life carefully in the last eleven months.

-0-

Recently a ... friend ... informed me that I am not grieving enough, that I should be wearing black, that I need to spend more time studying God and what His will is for me.

I've wondered where the conversation could have gone had I been asked about my life, rather than told what I am doing wrong.

What if my friend learned of the hours of contemplation, of listening to reflections on the daily readings, of the music I seek?

What if my friend heard what I have learned in the last eleven months?

-0-

I think - I hope - my friend would have seen how I've grown.  I'm in the same shell, but I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I couldn't be.  I was walking at the beginning of the valley of the shadow of death - the darkest valley.

I miss Tom so very much.  The pain.  That part I still can't get - how is an emotional loss physically painful?  Nonetheless, it hurts.  Physically.

Now I know that God will not forsake me.  Won't abandon me.  I should have realized this before, but I didn't.

-0-

In late April, early May, I told God:  "Okay.  Deal.  I know I have to make it to Christmas this year.  But You know what?  I don't have to go past that.  I can change things.  I know I say I won't, I know it's wrong, but I can't go on with this pain.  Can't do it."

I told Him:  "I know you will give me the strength I need to do what you want me to do - but I can't do this.  I'm not made to be alone.  Yes, we're all alone - but I am made to be a partner.  I love your Son - I love You, Jesus - with all my heart.  But I am not made to be alone.  

"I can't stand up much more in this dark valley.  Lord, I know you love me, you will provide - HELP ME!  Oh, Lord, please help me!

"By the way, Lord - although I think I am made to have a mate, it's up to You.  And I know it may be years before You send someone, but I want you to know You have to send him.  I'm not going to bars, I'm not looking on the internet - I'm not dating.  I don't have time or patience for that.

"If you want me to be mated, it has to be someone who believes in You, who follows You first."

And, as always, my prayer ended:  "Your will be done, Lord.  Help me seek Your will, help me recognize Your will, help me follow Your will."

-0-

Perhaps it was coincidental, the lightning strikes and thunder at the same time, above my house?  No.  I don’t think so either.

-0-

Within days, I began gaining relief.  Part of the problem of Tom's death was - he was so gone.  How could we have been so close - and now be so separated?

-0-

My counselor asked if there was a particular flower, an animal, anything which Tom and I viewed as a common interest, a symbol of the other person.

Nothing I could think of.

Until, some days later, I went out to drive to our friends' restaurant.  Looked up, and saw 12 pelicans flying overhead.  

In August, 2014, driving on a Denver "date" Tom and I were accompanied by 12 pelicans.  From Peckham to Gilcrest, approximately.

Pelicans were always special to me and Tom - so special that each of us have had pelican tattoos done.

Do I think it was a manifestation of Tom?  No, I don't.  I think it was a manifestation of God's love, a sign of grace.

-0-

Yes.  There is more to the story of my prayer - and its answer - but that's for another time.

-0-

Today, the last day of November, it occurs to me again how significant the timing of Tom’s return Home was.

Our last week was the last week of darkness, the dark before the solstice.  Tom went Home when the light was returning, when our lives were saved by Jesus’ birth into the world.

I haven’t doubted God during this time.  He has certainly been barraged with my questions, my anger, my sorrow – but never doubt.

I so look forward to, long for, the return of light after the solstice.  I anticipate what my future holds with … joy. 

Because …

“God’s eye is on the sparrow – and I know He watches me.”

Our Oncological Journey: the 2014 reports

(The following is a compilation of reports as we neared the end of the year.  It's been cathartic to gather the writing. -leh)

7/14/14  

We don't know much more tonight.

Tom's numbers were pretty good. PSA up a little, everything else good.  We'll go Aug. 13 or 14 for a scan again.  His bones have been awful tender, especially his skull, and while Dr. Flaig is not alarmed, he wants to get a closer look again.

We went to Mass in Denver Sunday, and Dr. Flaig was the cantor, the job I have at  church. He was surprised to see us there, and we even got to meet his wife.  His voice is superb. It was delightful. 

LOVE YOU, thanks for being who you are!

xoxoxoxo

8/18/14  

Dears,

We will drive to Denver tomorrow for the xrays for the potential nondisplaced tibial plateau fracture and will let you know what we learn. We considered going to the Loveland campus of U C, but decided we'd prefer to take another "road trip" and keep the personalities to whom we are accustomed.

We think there is a possibility that x-rays are picking up scar residue from childhood surgeries.  

And Tom has been gleefully reporting that the scan of his skull shows "nothing there."

Meanwhile we've had a nice Monday and hope you have as well.

:)

Love, 

Lori & Tom xoxoxo

8/21/14

Hello,

Good news - there is no obvious fracture on the follow up X-Ray.   As long as you are not having pain in this area, we are likely OK to wait and follow up on this at the next visit.  All my best, T Flaig

9/23/14  

Good evening, or more likely, good morning!

Sunrise at UC Hospital Aurora, CO 12/19/14

We want to let you know about the new plan of action with our health.

The most recent treatment seems to have lost its efficacy, and some of the metastasized spots seem to be causing more pain, particularly on Tom's skull and in the pelvic area.

So, tomorrow morning (Wed. Sept. 24) we'll go on a date to University of Colorado Hospital and consult Dr. Tracey Schefter, who is a Radiation Oncologist.  Dr. Schefter will help formulate the radiation therapy treatment, which is expected to reduce the size of the metastases, hopefully reducing the pain level.

Once that course is completed, our (world-renowned) Dr. Flaig (Urologic Oncologist) plans to start  chemotherapy treatment.  Docetaxel (Taxotere) is the agent of choice, and 

Tom will receive a treatment on day 1 every 21 days, 6 times.

There is the caveat that Tom's platelets must increase before the chemotherapy begins.  We're looking at diet recommendations to help with this, and I find it interesting that Tom's natural inclinations have been toward the diet suggestions we find.

In the midst of this they also want to fit Tom with a knee brace, to support his right knee which is being cantankerous. Those doctors will coordinate with our schedule (once we have it) to lessen our trips there.

I know my brain feels like mush too much of the time, but i trust this will diminish as we familiarize ourselves with these new vocabularies and schedules.

We covet your prayers. We ask that we follow God's plan. We ask for prayers for our care providers.  We are thankful to have been led to these specific caregivers and believe we have the very best team we could have.

We also have other angels who are helping us, and are grateful and humbled by their love and support.

Thanks for being one of our angels.

Laura/Lori and Tom xoxoxoxo 

9/24/14  

What a successful day!  We are so blessed.  Our consultation went very well.  The preferred schedule will be 5 or 10 treatments, every day, very short radiation doses each day. Dr. Schefter's major concern was the challenge the drive would be, timewise and monetarily.  She thought UCH had a radiology clinic in Greeley; but no, their associated clinic is in Ft. Collins which would be closer than Aurora.  Tom feels safer driving to Aurora than to Ft. Collins, so we left UCH planning on returning to Aurora tomorrow for the simulation and to get a schedule.  

-0-

Plans have changed.

By the time we arrived home,  arrangements were made so that we can go to a different medical group, in Greeley, about 16 blocks from our house.  Tomorrow we'll call to make appointments for the simulation, or "planning" meeting, and to set up the schedule.

The treatment team is so compassionate about us, and so passionate about overall care, that they are sending us to the "competitor" for treatment, rather than require us to make the commute to UCH Aurora.

Here's Dr. Flaig's response to yesterday's email:   

Thanks for including me – glad we have this underway and God Bless.  Will need to watch those platelets and I am working on the back up plan as well.  -TF

We'll keep you informed.  Thank you for your continuing prayers.

Love, Pax,

Laura /Lori and Tom xoxoxoxo 

10/6/14

Good Evening / Good Morning,

Our meeting with the radiological oncologist went well.  They know where to treat Tom for pain in his hip, knee and leg, but we need more info before they do anything with the skull.

Today's scan showed there may have been a subdural hematoma, and there are a few other anomalies that could necessitate an alternative approach.  It may be related to low platelet levels.

We plan to go tomorrow for an MRI at 1 p.m. and meet with neurological specialists after the MRI. They seem to be very interested in getting this situation controlled, so we can proceed with pain alleviation and  direct warfare on the cancer cells again.

Significant migratory pain is . . . annoying Tom.

Sunday at 10 a.m. Mass at Our Lady of Peace, Tom received the anointing of the sick. Intercessory prayers were offered - not only for Tom - and me - but also for our doctors and caregivers and family and all who struggle with illness.  As we held the crucifix together and gazed upon the cross, my heart was filled with gratitude that He who knows me best . . . loves me most. And set my path so i could work, play, love and live with . . . the mate of my soul.

We so greatly appreciate your prayers,  and include you in our prayers as well.

Pax, Love,

Laura and Tom 

Here's a really good song:  http://youtu.be/VlmYxZAgrGI

Kathy Troccoli - My Life Is in Your Hands Lyrics.  Artist: Kathy Troccoli.  

Album: Worshipsongs: Draw Me Close

Life can be so good

Life can be so hard

Never knowing what each day

Will bring to where You are

Sometimes I forget

And sometimes I can't see

That whatever comes my way You'll be with me

My life is in Your hands

My heart is in Your keeping

I'm never without hope

Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands

And though I may not see clearly

I will lift my voice and sing

'Cause Your love does amazing things

Lord, I know, my life is in your hands

Nothing is for sure

Nothing is for keeps

All I know is that your love

Will live eternally

So I will find my way

And I will find my peace

Knowing that you'll meet my every need

My life is in Your hands

My heart is in Your keeping

I'm never without hope

Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands

And though I may not see clearly

I will lift my voice and sing

'Cause Your love does amazing things

Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

When I'm at my weakest love

You carry me

Then I become my strongest love

In Your hands

My life is in your hands

And though I may not see clearly

I will lift my voice and sing

'Cause Your love does amazing things

Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

I trust You, Lord, my life is in Your hands

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/kathy-troccoli/my-life-is-in-your-hands-lyrics/#Zp22pjqZ93isHA06.99

10/10/14  

We have learned that the subdural hematoma may well be blood from an old "leak" (Tom fell July 22 - he was headed out to the garage, turned too quickly, lost his balance,  fell and hit his head and because of the low platelet count had a "leak").  It is probably NOT continuing to leak.

The MRI also showed a "lesion" (metastasization) on the skull which may be a cause of persistent skull pain - which may be alleviated with radiation therapy. 

Yesterday’s CBC shows platelet levels have increased!  We have an appointment Monday afternoon with Dr. Kemme regarding the hematological aspects and then with Dr. Fuller to perhaps formulate the radiation therapy plan.  We have instructed them to be sure they include our Dr. Flaig in the planning.

A tentative plan proposed by neurologist Physician Assistant Kai at NCMC is to do a platelet transfusion; he thinks that if we can get the clotting factor improved, the situation may well resolve itself.  Kai anticipates the fluid gathered in the cranium (he says they call it "grunge oil" . . . really!) can be re-absorbed by the body and we can proceed with radiation therapy and chemotherapy.  IF the fluid does not re-absorb, they would need to do a trepanation (trephination) procedure to relieve the brain of the pressure.  They might have to do it on both sides because there was leakage on both sides.

Kai also said that when they drain the fluid, the hope is that the brain is elastic enough to refill the area currently taken up by this fluid - because if the area remains empty, the body refills that space with fluid again. . . .  Which reminds me of the house (person) cleaned of the demon, which if left empty, is likely to have the demon move back - bringing seven of his buddies.  (Mt. 12:43-45; Lk 11:24-26) 

Tom exhibits minimal signs of damage from the brain pressure.  Word aphasia is the main red flag that showed up and we know to monitor for worsened word/speech delay, headaches, confusion. 

OH! - Tom got some new tattoos! He thought he was done with tattoos - oatmeal skin doesn't tattoo well - but now i can play connect the dots with the tattoo markings on his leg for the radiation therapy! (hahahaha)

We continue to receive kind, compassionate, knowledgeable and expert care, for which we give thanks.

with love and gratitude,

Laura & Tom xoxoxo 

10/20  Hooray!

We met with Neurosurgeon Dr. Beth Gibbons today, who reported that the CT Scan last Friday shows a lessening of the subdural hematomas!  Also, the most recent blood test shows platelets on the rise, which trend improves the chances of reabsorption of the fluid in the brain, helps clear the way to begin chemo., and makes surgical intervention even less probable. 

After leaving Dr. Gibbons's office we realized we shifted tracks on radiation therapy.  Or, we got derailed . . . for a little bit. Tomorrow cousins Mark and Judy are coming to Bonell services with us, then to our house for lunch.  We'll enjoy and utilize our time with them, then check with Dr. Fuller's office about radiation therapy.  Meanwhile pain patches allow Tom enough ease to (mostly) go without Tylenol. The high power heavy-duty street valued pain relievers . . . don't reduce pain (or entertain); and with the low platelets, no aspirin or NSAIDs for him!

Thursday we get to see Dr. Flaig in Denver!  Although he talks with Tom any time, it's better in person.  We anticipate our visit to the Denver clinic with joy.  Did i say that?  Yes, I did.  Of course Jesus Christ is our anchor, but He sends helpers, and the staff at University Hospital are some of His helpers.

Our prayers: platelet counts continue to rise and thanksgiving for abundant daily graces and blessings; and for you and our entire team of caregivers, for your family's health and safety,  for your peace.

Pax, Love,

Laura and Tom xoxoxo 

10/23  

Well.  It would be preferable if we could swap the PSA counts with the blood cell counts.  The trends would be much better . . . but that doesn't seem to be an option, so the plan of action is to get Tom a blood transfusion.  That should be a helpful boost; give him some energy and just help him feel better in general.  Monday we start the first of ten radiation therapy treatments for his left knee, which should reduce pain.  AND pain patches are succeeding in keeping pain in "control" - but as in all of life, there are pros and cons to "pain management" as well.

After a delicious dinner in Platteville we're happy to be home again and grateful for the knowledge and compassion of our support team.

Pax et Amor in Christi,

Laura and Tom xoxoxo 

10/30  

Greetings and salutations:

The blood transfusions did not have the desired results, so Dr. Fuller has admitted Tom to North Colorado Medical Center for at least a head scan, maybe other tests.

We are in room B388, have been well served, and have had the nurse recognize us from church - Tom's being a lector, my singing.  We are abundantly blessed, thanks be to God.

Thank you for your continued prayers, and if you would, add Achmed to your prayer list. I met his wife, and she could use your prayers, too.  She said "I am in health care, and to be on the receiving end is humbling."  We agree.  It sure is different to be the visited rather than the visitor.

Pax, Love, 

Laura and Tom xoxoxo 

10/31  

Well, we were booted out of North Colorado Medical Center - I mean released - late this (Friday) afternoon.  

Actually, we were told that hemoglobin and hematocrit counts improved enough that they felt fine about letting Tom come home.  We return Monday and daily next week at 8:45 a.m. and get a Denver date Wednesday to check blood counts and visit NP Breaker again.

-O-

If you'd rather not receive these updates, just let me know.  No worries.

-O-

A little girl has had a serious relapse of her cancer. Please pray for Leah, her family and caregivers.

-O-

I'm not setting my alarm tomorrow, so there. 

More thoughts:

Tom seems to feel a little better.  Fr. Peter and Deacon John both visited him. 

It'll be good to go to Denver Wed. to see our "main" folks.  

8:45 a.m. M-F at NCMC for radiation therapy; Bonell Tues. a.m., "Eschatology" book club Tues. night, OLP; visit with the radiation oncologist Dr. Fuller Wed. NCMC; also Noon in Denver for blood draw, 1 p.m. with one of our doctors there;  . . . plus,  plus - you know? 

G'nite,  Pax,

Laura and Tom xoxoxo 

11/3/14  

Dear Dr. Flaig,

Just a heads up that Tom fell this morning, says he bumped his head a little.  We were on our way for radiation therapy, so Nurse Carol bandaged his arm and checked his bp etc., he seems not terribly damaged but wanted you to know.  We come to see Kathryn Breaker Wednesday, and we know to go to ER if anything seems terribly amiss.

Thank you, Bless you,

Laura Hodge

11/8/14  

 Good News:  Two days off radiation therapy.  One more treatment Monday.  Then some days off to let Tom's body recover, a CT head scan on the 17th.  Denver Date Nov. 24 - and a meeting with Dr. Flaig, to see what seems most helpful.  Please pray for all doctors, especially Fuller and Flaig, and caregivers, as the course of a serious illness takes its toll on them as well.  

Mixed Thoughts News:  After much prayer and soul-searching I am no longer a Music Director at St. Peter.  I turned in my resignation Thursday.  So grateful for the opportunity to lead the assembly in song, giving praise and glory to Our Lord, from Jan. 2, 2010 - Nov. 5, 2014.  The Lord already provided opportunity,  though - now I get to sing with Jerry Ochoa and his group at Our Lady of Peace Church Sunday (English) Mass, 10 a.m.

Additionally, please pray for all clergy; and people entering into the Thanksgiving and Christmas Season alone - those who've lost loved ones and those who don't get to have a "belonging" experience. 

11/16/14  

Greetings!

Tom was "graduated" from his first series of radiation therapy, and they presented him with a certificate AND had him ring their bell 3 times!

He has gained considerable pain relief on his left leg, and he'll start on a new series on his right leg in the next several days.

BBRrrrrr.  Below freezing for DAYS.  Glad we can stay home and look out the window at the sunshine.

Nice harmonies at Our Lady of Peace this morning.  It's so much FUN to sing!

with love and gratitude,

Laura & Tom xoxoxo 

11/20 8:46 a.m.

Dear Dr. Flaig,

Just to keep you in the loop, Tom was dreadfully confused tonight, i ended up calling the ambulance, and he has been admitted to NCMC, room 411.

I'm not going back 'til morning, they could find no medical reason (infection whatever) for the confusion, but he's ended up pretty irritated with me, and i think it would be worse for him for me to return right now. (So did the doctor)

He seems to be having SEVERE pain, another reason they thought justified keeping him.  I told him they could take better care of him than i can, but he didn't buy it.

I absolutely don't mean to distress you, but i think you should know what's up.

At this point we are scheduled to see you on Monday, of course i know to call if we need to change anything.

Blessings to your beautiful wife for sharing you with all us patients.  and impatients.

may God bless you abundantly,

Laura Hodge 

11/20 11:40 a.m.  

Greetings.

Well, Fr. Rocco warned us about praying for patience - that we would be given opportunity to practice it.  Of course he was correct.

Tom got a blue light special ride last night, and stayed at NCMC overnight.  He has had considerable disorientation, pain and anger.

This morning they're still looking for a systemic cause for the symptoms.  He was awake all night, but has mostly been able to rest since i got here.  There is a possibility that metastases in the skull are contributing to the problem.  I hope to know more in a while.  However long that is. (wry smile)

Deacon John has visited, for which we are very grateful.  

Our doctors and caregivers are marvelous.  In the midst of tribulation we remain blessed.

A couple updates ago, i requested prayers for a little girl, Leah.  Here's her Mom's news:  Praise God our prayers have been answered there are NO cancer cells !!!!!!!!!!! She is back in remission. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for our baby the power of prayer is great and you all have a hand in her recovery . Doing the happy dance.

Please pray for God's will to be done, for us to recognize the graces which come from desiring His will, and for Tom's peace of mind.  Please pray for daughter Monica,  who starts chemo again Tuesday, in Florida.

Thank you, blessings,

Laura and Tom

11/20 11:20 p.m.

Good evening, or maybe good morning . . . 

We're considerably better tonight.  Tom wants me here tonight, and I'm glad of that.  He's much less agitated than 24 hours ago.

What caused the agitation and disorientation?  We don't know for sure yet; we may not learn.  There is no sign of infection, his oxygen level stays really high; a very good friend suggested hypoxia, a lack of oxygen to the brain, but the doctors say they don't think that is an issue either.  There are several other possibilities - but if it turns out to be a unique experience, that would be fine with me.  (Actually it's a second episode, but the first was not NEARLY this . . . distressing.)

We think we'll go home tomorrow - the plan is to proceed with the one treatment of radiation therapy that is planned for his right leg before we leave NCMC.  We are working on getting set up with some home health care.  Tom hopes it involves cleaning house.  HAHAHA!  Of course, if we did get someone to help clean, I'd have to clean first anyway.  (wry smile again)

Attached is a picture from our "honeymoon suite."  Never had a honeymoon suite with an observation window before. The daylight view is gorgeous too, but i didn't get a picture of it yet.  I like the reflection of the hall behind me under the helicopter. 

Thank you, all, for your care and concern.  I didn't do a very good job of responding to your emails today; please forgive my discourtesy.  I'm practicing saying "yes" to offers of help; when we get home, and hopefully get a . . . schedule?. . . going, we look forward to visits.

And on a happier final note for today, thanks to Aleka at the Ranch Restaurant for sending a DEE-LISH-US cinnamon roll with me today.  Tom was gonna fast, kept saying "me and Gandhi are going out together" but only a couple bites of the roll changed his mind.  And after the shift change tonight, nurses brought fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.  yum.  Sugar and caffeine, what a nutritious diet.

G'nite - I'm trying for more than three hours sleep tonight.  Thanks for your prayers.  Here i go find the aide to get blankies for my trundle bed.

with love,

Laura and Tom 

11/22 12:30 a.m.  

We arrived home about 7:15 this evening, have relished our evening together - at HOME, and are preparing to go back to the hospital at 8 a.m. for a blood transfusion. And we expect to hear from a home health service which is going to be helping us.

Tom had his radiation therapy; he's having some after-pain from that, but is much better.  

We get to have a Denver Date Monday, we get to see our Dr. Flaig, and then maybe we can just prepare for Thanksgiving.  And yes, we are so thankful. 

I'm working on saying yes to offers of assistance, and that means our friend Maureen is bringing us dinner tomorrow.  I had no idea what relief that would give me . . . until I said yes.

As always, I am grateful for you and your care,

Laura - and Tom xoxoxo

11/22 9:08 p.m.    

We are home.  Tom is resting. We got to the hospital and he received two units of blood and i suspect he'll feel some better in the morning.

I sure hope so - friends have said they're coming to 10 a.m. Mass at OLP, and it would be so nice if he can be there too.  If not, we'll see them another time.

I was questioned last night about "If God is real, I don't know why He makes some of us not believe in Him lol...I just can't, I just don't, I don't know why but it just doesn't make sense in my brain like it does in yours. I'm sorry."  My response has to do with free will, and that God has clearly made His presence known in my life.  (While this email goes to many friends and family members, chances are really good that i could tell YOU how God placed you in my life.)  And I told this person not to be sorry, each of us has free will, and God most certainly does NOT make anyone NOT believe in him.  Nor am I disappointed in anyone for not believing.

God bless you,

Laura and Tom xoxoxo 

Here's how He manifested Himself in my life for PART of today.

-0-

I recently told a dear relative that God is so present to me in so many ways I can't possibly NOT believe. I went for a walk after Tom's second unit of blood started, and here's what happened. Started at the chapel, when I entered, Amazing Grace was playing. soon it changed to Jesus Loves Me, which is my all time comfort song. Then - Have Thine Own Way, Lord, which was the invitational song when I was baptized. Looked around in the chapel and found a plaque under compassion givers with "Maureen St. Peter" on it. I'm pretty sure I know who it is.  Wandered up from the basement chapel to our home the last couple days, 4th floor, where they were changing one of the nurse recognition boards.  (shown here) The woman turned it right side up, and the first picture I saw was of Fr. Rocco Porter, who gave us first communion in the Catholic church. The next picture is of Miguel and 
Elizabeth Fabiola Cerrillo , and the board was in recognition of the dedication to her patients of Sylvia Peña, Elizabeth's Mom. Tom and I met her in . . . March? 2005, when we were sitting with Fr. Bud in hospice here, as he was preparing to journey to his true Home.

Trust Me. There IS somebody bigger than you and I.   xoxoxoxo

-0

And then, and then? Went to get the car. On Saturdays there's no valet parking, and bunches of people just park at the curb. So I double park, leaving room for others to go around. Someone goes around me and blocks the whole area, another car comes and the driver starts honking. We load Tom in, i take the wheelchair back and by golly i'm gonna fix this situation. Two aides are coming toward me - i recognize one from years ago when we were taking Communion to patients. (Way back then, she pulled me and Tom aside and asked accusingly "Why are you two so happy all the time?" We explained the privilege of bringing Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament to people, and she sort of shook her head and walked away.) The aides tell me how to call security, I make my report of the parking situation, and the man asks "is this Laura?" Uh-oh. I don't THINK i was crispy. (Believe me, i can be.) I reply yes, it is. "Laura, this is Kyle Malone." Kyle was head music director at St. Peter Church, he was my accompanist at the 11:30 a.m. Mass until the present pastor came. Haven't seen him for about three years. Kyle asked about Tom and assured me I wasn't crispy. Came home and Maureen left a veritable feast for us - and some greatly appreciated cat food. Somehow, I haven't been able to get to the store. hmmm. Oh - Maureen was able to drop our stuff off at Smoker Friendly, our business neighbor. They have been very gracious about accepting packages for us. I'm eating a cookie Pam brought yesterday when she and Nicole Hodge visited. Tom's sleeping in his chair. Here I go cry from the wonders of God's love. And yes. This with Tom is really hard. But God promised to help, and He's the only One I know who keeps His promises. He didn't say it would be easy, but that He loves me. And Jesus loves ALL - ALL - of us so much that he could lay down his life for us. After the leaky eyes diminish . . . dirt get scared. xoxoxoxo

-0-

I am deeply grateful for the following interchanges:

Tim:  Keep pressing the good stuff. We shine so brightly when we do that it makes all the darkness always trying to creep in just moot. You're being a wonderful example for all of us. I can see God is shining through you right now.

Laura Hodge: And as I say to anyone, don't believe in God because I say so. Nor will you disappoint me if you don't believe. But ask Him to reveal His love to you. He will.

Laura Hodge: Oh, Tim, that's my constant prayer, that he shine through me so brightly all the nasty in me is burnt out so there's only room for love. Thank you. See how he sends us to help each other? xoxoxo

Nola: Only room for love. You say so eloquently what I aspire to do. And more importantly you live it. I am so grateful you are part of my life.

Jeanne: All this is so beautiful. It has to be God inspired.

Laura Hodge: Tom was kept warm during the transfusion by a blanket Uncle Bob made, Nola. And for those who might not know, Uncle Bob married us July 21, 1984.

Miguel:Coincidence?........I don't think so.Praise God. (Jeanne, a relative, died approximately 1 1/2 months later.)

Maureen:  Such a testimony as to how God loves and takes care of us when times are tough, as they will be for all of us at one time or another. Another grace to you that you 'see' these blessings in a time of darkness. Unfortunately many people would not make the connection and they miss out on their 'holy' encounters. Thanks for seeing and sharing.     xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

11/26  PICTURE  

Good Morning!  Happy Thanksgiving! I'm not real sure how we got to late November already, but . . . here we are.

Tom's feeling better.  Better enough that he's talking about taking the truck to our Palliative Care appointment with Dr. Fried this morning.  Hmmm.  Last time he wanted to take the truck, he waltzed with the ladder and ended up losing a chunk of skin.  Perhaps he'll have to put up with Victoria. (The attached picture shows how close we were able to park at U C Hospital Monday - the white car in the upper center frame.)

As always, it was a pleasure to go to Denver and see Dr. Flaig and staff.  Tom's PSA has dropped!  From 763 to 681.  Some years ago he reported that "the doctor called and said my PSA was 75!"  Being the loving, supportive, kind, compassionate  (ooooh it's getting deep - better quit now) wife that I am, I said "that simply can't be.   If it was that high you'd be dead."  Ha.  Little did I know.  Guys - get your PSA checked.  Sooner is better.  Other lab reports seem fairly stable.  His poor veins.  They get a hint that a needle is approaching and they roll away.  The phlebotomists feel awful - they have no desire to cause pain or bruises, but that can be a consequence of the coy veins. 

We stopped at our restaurant in Platteville on our way home.  Some jerk was parked taking two spaces.  We walked in and the host greeted us with "just two of you tonight?" Our response was "yep, JUST two of us. How many of us should there be?"  The guy who had to take 2 spaces was expounding on . . . who knows what.  

A major prayer of mine lately is "dear Lord, please help me keep my mouth shut."  Thank heavens He does. 

After a while, the "jerk" has family arrive. They drove from Texas, only had this evening with him,  and we watched him meet his new grandson. We watched him interact with his granddaughters in ways we could only wish we were able to do with our progeny. At one point he sat with us and explained how long it had been since he'd seen this daughter and her family. 

The evening proceeds.  We prayed as we began our meal, and enjoyed watching the "jerk" and his family. Only by now I'm starting to come to my senses. Hmm. Maybe he wasn't a jerk. Maybe he was overworked, tired and so excited to see his kids he didn't notice the parking stripes. (Thank you, Lord,  for that hand over my mouth.)

Tom excused himself for a while.  I made sure he got to his destination safely and returned to the table, saw the host approaching and summoned him to the table.  "I want to apologize for being crispy when we came in" I said. Shortly after Dad died, Mom went to dinner, was greeted in a similar manner (just ONE) and got her feelings hurt.  (There's a sense of "you're such a loser you couldn't get anyone to come to lunch with you?" in that phrase.) I started to say this to the young man and he said "I'm sorry - someone else mentioned the same thing to me and I forgot - i'll try to do better."

I think we ended up "friends."

Tom came back, I sent the credit card to pay the bill,  but here came the cashier.  "That gentleman already paid for your meal."

Yeah.  It was the . . . gentleman whom I had declared a j--- wait.  It was that gentleman with his family. 

I took him a business card, said he had NO idea how much his generosity meant to us.  He looked at the card and asked where we go to Mass.  (Real Leather Company, Real Presence Catholic Books & Gifts)

Eight years ago he went to work in Meeker.  He grew up in the Methodist church - as did Tom.  Out of dozens of churches in Meeker, it was the Catholic Church that embraced him, enfolded him,  made him family.  Of course this led to more conversation, and . . . we all ended up friends.

I saw my eye doctor today.  I've been having "flashing" in my left eye for a week.  Yep.  It's a detachment.  A vitreal detachment. (https://www.nei.nih.gov/health/vitreous/vitreous explains it.)  NOT a problem.  Irritating, but not a problem.  Phew.

First-born Jaye and only son Ben plan to arrive next Tuesday and stay about a week.  Boy, do I have plans for them!  Ha, ha - most important is our time together, of course.  We hope Monica can come soon, depending on her chemotherapy regime.  Tamara, in Australia, continues successful recovery from her dance with a horse.  

Things can seem pretty awful sometimes, in Tom's and my world, in the world in general, but we are so thankful.  So far we are able to declare our love for our Lord without great fear of martyrdom.  My bonus children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are incredibly loving, kind and supportive of me.  We have incredibly wise and compassionate doctors. As of today, at least, we have no one in our families to whom we are not speaking.  (insert wry smile here.) 

 Our refrigerator is full of goodies to tempt Tom's appetite, brought by people who exemplify Christ's love for us.

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,

and give you peace.

    And give you peace.

With love, 

Laura and Tom 

xoxoxoxo 

Our Oncological Adventure 12/20

Tom is one of the bravest men I know.  He survived infantile paralysis, which disease resulted in more than usual family conficts. He has been a journalist and newspaper editor, a baker, a chef, a biker, a hippy, a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, a grandpa and great-grandpa.  He is an oil painter, a tailor, a landlord, a child of God.

UC Hospital Aurora, night, 12/19/14

And he has been my mate.  For more than thirty years we've been a team.  In our first five years we went separate directions for jobs; when we returned to Colorado we knew we wanted to work together as well as live together.  Man, has that led to some challenges - for both of us. But the rewards . . . the rewards.  Not financial - he'd be the first to tell you we didn't plan well.  The other side of that is that we are among the wealthiest in the world - it doesn't have to do with a bank account, though.

Neither of us knew much about leather tailoring when we opened The Real Leather Company in October 1988.  We learned a lot in 26 years.  Mostly we learned not to let our personal differences get in the way of customer relationships.

Tom was married to the mother of his children - my bonuses - for 15 years.  When we met, they were considering reconciliation.  Obviously, that did not happen - but just a few weeks ago, when Jaye and Ben came to visit, Annette came down from the mountains and spent the night, visiting with us, visiting our friend's art show, going to Mass with us.  What joy to be able to say to my friends - "Look - that's my bonus son, my bonus daughter . . . and their Mom."  Eyebrows raised, the question came "you mean, his ex-wife is sitting in the same pew with him?"  Yes.  What a grace their friendship could be renewed in spite of the parting of ways.  What courage he shows to maintain that relationship.  Easier by far to throw out the past and move on.

At the time they parted, he lost his job; lost his apartments; lost his home.  Lost his children.  Not really, but the relationships were changed.  He went to Idaho State University and became a fantastic baker, a chef extraordinaire.  Worked for the Sun Valley Company in their premier bakery.  Started a new life.  As time progressed, and the effects of polio became better known, he investigated a hip replacement, and moved back to Colorado to help his Dad and brother in their rental property business.  A hip replacement was not possible as the hip he had was not fully developed (it stayed the size of a four-year-old) and he simply was not a good candidate for the surgery.  Conflicts continued with his Dad; we met and married; we moved to California in search of better climate, a new beginning.

After a couple years California chewed us up and spit us out, and back we came to Colorado.  Tails dragging, not beaten though.  With the backing of the family business, we were afforded the opportunity to start our business.

After 15 years of marriage, in late 1999, Tom said "We need to go to church."  He and I both looked around the dining room - who could have said that?  Couldn't have been Tom.  The Holy Spirit led us to the Roman Catholic Church, St. Peter Parish to be exact - and we never looked back.  We have been enfolded, embraced, empowered by the community and by learning to seek God's will in our lives.  How brave, to turn to God in the face of . . . skepticism and doubt, in a world not accustomed to seeking the face of God.  

We added Catholic goods to our store - another courageous move, would it "upset" our "biker" customers?  No.  It clarified who we are, in Whom we believe, the hope we want to share with others.

These verses come to mind:  ". . . wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her"  (Eph. 5:24,25)  It's pretty obvious to me that the male bears huge  responsibility here.  It's easy to be "subordinate" when the man is willing to love his wife as Christ loved the church - even to the point of death for His beloved.  It has become easy to be subordinate to Tom as he strives to walk with God.

He was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer in 2010, the year after our 25th anniversary.  God guided our way to some of the best doctors you could find, including Dr. Flaig, who teaches at U C Hospital, and travels the world helping other doctors learn how to more effectively treat urologic cancers. More recently we added Drs. Fuller and Fried to our "wonder doctor" list, as they have helped with radiation therapy and palliative treatment.

We came to Denver to see our beloved Dr. Flaig Thursday, and have been at University Hospital since then.  Lots of tests, lots of talks, lots of tears.  Wonderful care.  Compassionate, loving, merciful care.

Friday I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I informed Tom's children that there are no further treatment options; that we can pursue palliative care; that we will be going home (I hope) with hospice care.  OF COURSE there can be a miracle; Tom can be healed; the doctors don't know for sure about Tom's life span.  OR yours or my life span.  But I believe the true miracle will come when Tom meets Jesus - and is healed; made whole; when he "who hopes in the Lord will renew his strength.  He will soar on wings like eagles; he will run and not grow weary, he will walk and not be faint." (Is. 40:31)

He is embarking on the hardest part of his life so far - letting go.  Letting go of his hopes, aspirations, desires; letting go to let God embrace him and take him Home.  Our true Home.  Letting go of earthly attachments; entrusting his children's future, my future - to our Lord.  

Here's how we met:  http://tommys18thstnews.blogspot.com/2009/07/twenty-five-years.html

Thomas Hodge, aka Tom, Tomaso, Maso, Dad, Grandpa, Great Grandpa, Tio Tomaso, The Old Rocker . . . is one of the bravest men I know.

Poinsettias from Monica

12/22/14 2 a.m.

We're not yet home.  Last night was horrid. horrid.  So far tonight we're a little better.  Now the plan is to bring him to NCMC inpatient hospice, continue getting him "stabilized" and hopefully get him to 402 18th for a while before he goes Home.  Hopefully tomorrow that will happen, and they will take him to NCMC by ambulance.

Whew.  I did get an hour nap and food this afternoon, which makes me almost human again.

12/22/14  Going to Greeley

Greetings. After several days of marvelous, compassionate care at University of Colorado Hospital, Aurora, an ambulance will be coming for us at 2 p.m. and will deliver us to North Colorado Hospice at North Colorado Medical Center in Greeley.

By "coincidence" brother and sister Dick and Mary, nephew and niece Myk and Nicole, will be able to shuttle our car back to Greeley so I can ride with Tom.

It will be so good to be near our house, our friends, our "world."

Please keep Jaye and Tim and Ben in your prayers/thoughts as they drive from Indiana and Washington; also Tamara and Monica who live at even further distances; perhaps especially Monica who is courageously (much like her father) battling cancer.

I pray for peace, comfort, freedom from pain, and a healing birth into his new life with Jesus, for my Tomaso.

I also pray for all who are suffering in similar circumstances, especially those who are not able to find peace.

We will all be changed, in an instant, in the blink of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.  

1 Cor. 15:51b, 52

St. Thomas, pray for us.

 St. Martha, pray for us.

oxoxo Laura

Tuesday, 12/23/14

What a day.  What joy.  What sorrow.  What joy.

Pam brought me coffee and a chocolate chip muffin this morning, and came back to take me to Noon Mass at St. Peter.  We sat where we were bathed with light from the stained glass "Good Shepherd" window.  We went to the office afterwards to see Dorothy and Fr. Matt prayed with us and another lady who is facing health challenges.  It was healing.

Deacon Bill and Pam came to visit; Deacon John and Marilyn and Tom and I prayed the chaplet of Divine Mercy; Deacon Cecil and Alma brought a fantastic Santa on a Harley to visit Tom.  Fr. Stephen came and several of us sat in the family room while the nurses helped Tom ambulate. Chris came to visit, Bryant and Cathy got here soon after that.

Fr. Stephen gave Tom the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick; prayed with us, blessed us, and he and I sang several things including the Litany of the Saints.  It brought great peace.

Jaye and Tim came and were able to sit with Tom for a while. All of Tom's children are certainly bonuses, gifts, presents, treasures in my life.  I grew up wanting to adopt; while not "technically" adopted, they are the answers to my dreams.  Jaye brought a Scentsy warmer and brand new spruce scent from my birth-mother, Joan.  It makes the whole Hospice unit smell Christmasy.

Bryant and Cathy returned:  having heard I wanted to stay the night again, but didn't have pajamas, they had prepared a care package for me.  I have P.J.'s, slippers, tooth care, hair care, snacks, - everything I need to feel pampered.  Little did they know I had desired a new bathrobe - i hoped Tom would get me one.  I guess he did - they were the deliverers.   This brings me great joy.

-0-

Several weeks ago Tom awoke saying he was tired, so tired.  He really would rather not proceed with treatment, but he didn't want to disappoint Dr. Flaig.  Last Thursday, Dr. Flaig, on hearing of the dream, told Tom that of course, nothing Tom could do would disappoint him; that it had been a privilege being his doctor.  I love Dr. Flaig, and I know Tom does also.

Today, when I was visiting with Tom we talked about meeting Jesus, about going Home, and I told him I'm somewhat envious because he will probably meet Jesus before I will.  Tom said:  "I want to meet Him soon."

When Jaye came in, she said "Hello, Daddy-O" and Tom said "Good-bye, Daddy-O" - I'm sure it brought Jaye up short - did it mean she shouldn’t call him that? I don't think so, I think he was saying that Daddy-O needs to be able to go Home.

I use a capital H because I believe this world is not our home.

Tonight I get to crawl in bed with my beloved husband of 30 years.  I asked previously, how would we feel if we knew it was the "last" time for something.  I may not sleep tonight; I may have to spend all night looking at his cherished face.

Here is a prayer for a happy death:
    
"O God, great and omnipotent judge of the living and the dead, we are to appear before you after this short life to render an account of our works. Give us - Tom - the grace to prepare for our last hour by a devout and holy life, and protect us against a sudden and unprovided death. Let us remember our frailty and mortality, that we may always live in the ways of your commandments. Teach us to "watch and pray" (Lk 21:36), that when your summons comes for our departure from this world, we may go forth to meet you, experience a merciful judgment, and rejoice in everlasting happiness. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen."

G'night.  I want every minute with my love that I can have.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  You're wonderful.

Laura (and Tom) xoxoxoxoxoxo

12/25/14   Thomas E. Hodge

It is finished.

Thomas Edward Hodge, Feb. 19, 1942 - Dec. 25, 2014

A phrase we used was "8:22, I love You", and at 8:22 this morning, Tom was released from the bonds of pain and distress. 

He has entered into eternal life with the true love of his life, 

Our Lord Jesus Christ. What a glorious Christmas day!