Friday 11/16/07

Good day, students. Here's week number 24 -- this time featuring a report from our friend Dave Ralston, who is "The Master's Mechanic.'' Enjoy ! !

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This humbling experience began simply enough. I was asked to ''donate'' an oil change to the annual staff auction put on by Laradon Hall, my largest customer.

My shoulder still hurts from patting myself on the back. "Put me down for two of 'em" I said, partly joking. I didn't know who bought my donated oil change until last week.

It seemed easy enough, an '04 Mazda 6, pretty cool car, just a little thing. Well, it had a special oil filter, a cartridge type like the old timers. The engine was nicely wrapped in plastic, top and bottom. I'm not kidding, you couldn't find the engine without tools. After the undercarriage plastic was off and sitting next to the car, I removed the steel drain plug from the plastic oil filter housing cover. I then removed the filter cover, and replaced the filter element and O-ring.

I replaced the engine oil after draining the pan and put all the plastic back on. I made notes for my customer about corroded battery cables and tainted transmission fluid. After a test drive and quick look under the car, I returned the keys to the owner. Painless so far, right?

That evening, I had a phone message from my boss at Laradon hall. The next morning I called him back to hear that Jaci's car (described above) had leaked oil all over her driveway. I wasn't given any details.

I started to think of the worst case scenarios -- how much would that engine set me back? Did I need to call my insurance company? Is my resume up to date?

After humbly asking for her patience, I went to her house. I saw the trail of oil before I saw her car! I figured the service call to her home was going to be my last for Laradon. I had stopped at Mazda for a new cover, hoping that it was only a crack or something. I was relieved to find there was still oil in the engine.

I found the problem immediately: the O-ring that seals the filter cover had rolled during installation. I replaced the housing and all with new parts.

I topped off the engine oil and spent an hour cleaning the driveway. It seemed like all was O.K.

The owner of this car is the person who pays my boss, who of course then pays me. Jaci held both of our purse strings! My only hope was that she would quickly recover from the inconvenience and the oil stains would fade quickly as well.

Then last Friday Paul, my ''boss,'' came up to me and asked if I had heard from Jaci. The face he made could mean that the car had possibly leaked again or worse, the engine has been internally damaged and my checkbook was the next thing to be asked for.

It wasn't like that at all. The Mazda 6 had been destroyed.

Turns out, a young woman was trying to text message and drive at the same time. Her car hit Jaci's parked Mazda. I told Paul that when I donate something another time, I'll just write them a check.

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Try this experiment some time.

Work in your garden all day and get really grimy. Wear your tattered beat-up clothing and some floppy, worn shoes. A greasy baseball cap will help.

Go to Safeway and buy a quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a dozen roses.

Another time, dress in your Sunday best. You know, white dress shirt, nice new necktie, trim slacks, crisp blazer, shiny shoes.

Buy a quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a dozen roses.

You're the same guy, shopping in the same store, buying the same products, right?

Guaranteed, however, the treatment you receive will be as different as night and day.

Even other bums treat you better when you are a sharp dressed man. Probably, it shouldn't be that way. But it is.

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How can an old saying have a new meaning? What changes?

One I like is "Possession is nine-tenths of the law."

This used to mean something like this: Your neighbor has been using a part of your property for his driveway for years.

You get tired of the old geezer, so you decide to fence it off. He sues. He wins. Why?

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Now it means: If you're holding; if you're hot. If you are found in possession, the law is 90 percent against you.

Old saying. New meaning.

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One of my dad's fondest sayings was, "Matter and energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but only changed in form."

Who said that before Dad did? Any guesses?

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Look on the Friday 11/9/07 blog (comments) for reader-submitted oxymorons. Here are some similar structures we call "mutually exclusive phrases" or "redundancies":

• Anger management. (m.e.)
• Dysfunctional family. (redundancy)
• Young Republican. (m.e.)
• A real illusion. (m.e.)
• Others?
  

Keep those cards 'n letters comin', folks !

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Word of the week: Hiatus. Latin, pluperfect of hiare, to gape. 1. A break or gap where a part is missing or lost, as in a manuscript; blank space; lacuna. 2. a slight pause in pronunciation between two successive vowels in adjacent words or syllables. We're going to take a small hiatus next week.

Next week's word: Penitentiary.

Gripes? Complaints? Whines? or Comments? Adoration? Puppy love? Feel free to express yourself in the comment section!